Friday, January 15, 2010

Elle Interviews Dweezil

Okay, Dweezil, I know you’re no softy so I’m gonna ask some straight up questions. I’m sure you can deal with it. Let’s start with the basics.

What the F-? You a cop? You gotta be a cop with that attitude. Hey, I paid those tickets and no way you can nail me for that other. Although – (looks at Elle with a gleam in his dark eyes) you are kinda cute. You doin’ anything tonight?

Full name? Dweezil. We don’t got last names like you humans.

Age? Which one? My driver’s license says 35. My birth tablet reads 956. Take your choice.

Species? What can I say, babe? I’m one of a kind.

Gender? Hellloooo! Do I look like a chick to you? See my collection? (gestures toward vintage erotica prints, sex toys, etc.) I’m a guy. And … you’re a girl, so you wanna …? (waggles fingers back and forth)

Favorite food? Mud slugs in garlic sauce

Legit Hobby? Collecting erotica and sex toys. Hey, someone’s gotta do it!

Not so legit hobby? We don’t talk about that. (looks around furtively) Why? What have you heard?

Now that we’ve taken care of the “obvious” questions, let’s get down to the nitty gritty.

When you look in the mirror, what exactly do you see and do you like what’s staring back at you? Hey, I’m a handsome male. Do you see this olive skin just anywhere? No. You know why? Cuz I take good care of my skin. It takes a lot of care and it’s worth it.

What made you decide to start your own business and why this specific one? I owned a string of livery stables for centuries. Talk about smelly and the mess wasn't so great either! I was real glad when the car was invented. Sure they were smelly in the beginning, but I never liked horses and they didn’t like me. Don’t know why. I like having a business that’s a service. And I run a damn good service.

How do you go about hiring your employees? I usually put an ad in the Supe Weekly.

It seems to me as though you have a tough time finding good ones and when you do, people tend to steal them away. Why is that? Tell me about it! I’m just a regular guy looking to make a living. I’m offering an excellent service here. You’d think they’d be grateful to work for me, wouldn’t you?

Ever think of taking an anger management course? You saying I got an anger problem? ME? The F you say! I’m a pussycat. Ask anyone. Okay, don’t ask Jazz, but that B lies about me all the time.

I feel as though you and Jazz have somewhat of a special relationship. Can you explain that? That witch will be the death me of yet. Cuz of her my offices almost blew up, she got my best client banished, and she’s a royal PIA to deal with. The trouble is, it’s not easy to find a witch to work as a driver. ‘Course it would be easier if she wasn’t so demanding. She seems to think I’m made of money. And no matter what anyone says I’m not.

Are you currently in a relationship? Nah, but that’s not my fault. I’m a real catch.

Describe your home. We want to know where you sleep at night. (the smell of burnt almonds tinged the air, a sure sign he was agitated while his olive green skin paled and sweat appeared on his brow) Why do you want to know where I live? Hey, that’s secret for a reason! NO ONE knows where I live.

I think we can just about wrap this up now. I just have one more question for you. How many arms do you have? (catepillar eyebrows bob up and down) You really wanna see them? Come closer, babe.

If Elle manages to evade Dweezil's many armed clutches you'll find her over at


  1. I think Elle is a brave woman to interview Dweezil....

  2. The woman volunteered, Tori. Very brave indeed.

    I'm thinking of making the interviews a weekly feature and now to decide who I'd interview next.

  3. I'm thinking that I'd like to go another round with the Dweezmeister. I need a bright light, a hot room and lots of sleep deprivation. He won't be able to avoid answering any of my questions next time.

    And NO, Dweezil, I have no desire to see your arms. Puke!

  4. Dweezil is one of a kind. I'm not sure why Jazz continues to work for him. Must be good money and the fact she has his number.

  5. Susan,

    I'm with you. Jazz definitely has his number!

  6. Susan,

    You've known Dweezil from the very beginning. And maybe why you gave me the cute hatchlings.

  7. I think Dweezil feels misunderstood. Snort!

  8. Ha! Great interview!

    Loved it! :)


  9. Thanks Lisa.

    Elle did such a great job in cornering him.