Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Walking the Dog
“Ohboyohboyohboy.” Barney trotted down the sidewalk, pulling hard on his leash. He paused to lift his leg and water a small bush. ‘Comeoncomeoncomeon.” He started up again, moving so fast he jerked his dog walker off his feet. “Hey! Dog on a mission here.”
“Can we keep this to a leisurely walk?” Horace grumbled, grabbing the leather lead and gathering the mini-Schnauzer in. He glared at his two fuzzy companions. “I don’t see why I had to come too.”
“You’ve got hands,” Fluff said, then amended, “well, claws.” He hopped up on Barney’s back. The dog’s head swiveled around. His low growl alerted the bunny slipper it wasn’t a good idea. “Not like I weigh a million pounds,” he mumbled, returning to his fellow slipper’s side as they followed dog and gargoyle.
“Oh gross!” Puff gagged. “What in Hades did you eat?” he demanded, covering his nose with his ears. “And Jazz says we’re bad, but you’re way beyond disgusting. Look at that! Flowers around us are dying. The grass is turning black.”
“I should have brought a gas mask.” Horace pinched his nose shut with his free claw. “Gah! I swear I can taste it.”
“Wusses,” Barney jeered, twisting around to sniff his butt. “Oh yeah, that’s a good one.” He then paused to investigate a lamp post. He ran his nose went over the base with the thoroughness of a shop vac. “Wow, Fritz was here not long ago. Maybe he’s down at the park.”
“Yeah, volunteer to take the mutt to the park,” Horace muttered.
“You would too if Linda promised to make you a mega batch of her Texas brownies,” Fluff told him. He glared at a cat that hopped up on a fence and hissed at him. “Yeah, try this, Garfield.” He pointed one of his ears at the cat, zinging magick his way. The feline shot up in the air a few feet then nimbly landed on his feet before streaking off. “Yeah, cat, I could have made you fly!” The slipper yelled after the flash of fur.
“Those brownies better be worth it,” the gargoyle said, ambling toward the large grassy park in the middle of the next housing tract. “Although, I’d rather have a case of Jack Daniels.”
“Oh yeah, I can see Linda doing that.” Puff smirked. “You drunk is worse than Jazz drunk and she’s really bad.”
“Parkparkpark!” Barney almost pulled Horace off his clawed feet as he ran down the sidewalk toward the grassy area. Several dogs on leashes ran around while the playground was filled with small children playing on the equipment.
“Hey, stone face!” One twenty-something shouted at Horace. “Clean up after your dog!”
“He’s not my dog!” The gargoyle snarled even as he turned to see Barney doing his thing. “Oh man!” He stalked over to the post holding plastic bags and tossed a couple to Fluff and Puff. “Make yourselves useful.”
The bunny slippers caught the bags with their ears, threw them over Barney’s poo and zapped the mess to the trash can.
“Throwmetheball. Throwmetheball.” Barney bounced up and down so hard he practically levitated off all four feet. He rushed Horace, hopping up to push him with his front paws.
“Fine.” Horace pulled a tennis ball out of a hidden pocket and tossed it within leash length. Barney raced toward it, grabbed the ball and brought it back, springing up and down until the gargoyle threw it again … and again … and again. “Enough!” Horace plopped down on the grass and lay back. Fluff and Puff were already settled back in colorful beach chairs – Horace had no clue where the slippers hid those! – with sunglasses on and their fuzzy faces shiny with sunblock. “Those brownies better be worth it,” he muttered.
“Againagainagain!” Barney pushed Horace with his nose with urgency vibrating through his body.
“Find someone else to throw the damn ball.” He pushed back then closed his eyes.
“I’ll tell Linda and she won’t make brownies,” the mini-Schnauzer threatened. “She’ll take me to Petco for my puppy biscotti instead.”
“Ha! She can’t speak dog.” Horace pointed a claw at him. “So do whatever and let me take a nap.”
“What a cute dog!”
Horace opened his eyes to see two cute young women in tank tops and shorts oohing and ahhing over Barney who took the praise in typical canine stride. As in, he was well behaved and looking all too cute. No way was Horace going to allow the dog to get all the attention, so he made sure to show off his roguish charm while Fluff and Puff even got into the act. Pretty soon the girls were giggling and Barney was left to his own devices.
Never a good thing when a mini-Schnauzer knows just what to do to exact revenge.
“Where are they?” Linda fumed as she glanced at the kitchen clock. “They should have been back an hour ago. No way are they getting Texas brownies now.” She refilled her coffee cup and looked out the front window. She turned away then spun around when she heard unearthly shrieks from the sidewalk.
Linda flung open the front door and stared at a sight that had her alternately ready to scream and laughing.
“He pissed on me!” Horace shouted, waving the leash loop back and forth.
“Dog spit! Dog spit!” Fluff and Puff wailed from the wet confines of Barney’s mouth as the muddy dog trotted up to his mistress and dropped his fuzzy bundle to the ground.
The slippers made gagging noises as they crawled into the house.
“We need hot baths. Lots and lots of boiling water. Antibacterial soap,” Fluff moaned. “Tetanus shots.”
“You’re magick. You don’t get sick,” Linda informed them.
“Once he pissed on me like I was some damn lamppost, every dog in the park did the same,” Horace complained, starting to slide past Linda, but she stopped him.
“No way are you coming inside smelling like that. Hose off in the front yard.” She looked down at Barney. “And you, mister, are going to the groomers for a bath. How did he get so dirty? All you were supposed to do was take him to the park, play for awhile, and come back.” She pointed at the hose reel before picking up Barney and holding him at arm’s length while she went back into the house.
Horace picked up the hose and turned on the water. His screech as the cold water hit him shattered a few windows and toppled a couple trees.
“No brownies are worth all this.”
What do you think? What would you do for really rich chocolaty brownies?