Horace Goes Yule Shopping

"Where did all these new people to buy presents for come from?" Horace grumbled as he surveyed his shopping list. "Like I'm made of money." He thought of the bag of gold coins he had secreted away on his stone person that he hoped to use most of it on himself and not others. Looked like that wasn't going to happen.

Gargoyles tended not to wear clothing with pockets. Actually, gargoyles didn't wear clothing at all, so secreting the bag wasn't easy and wise to never ask just where it might be. Although Horace did sport a jaunty purple and gold knitted scarf wrapped around his throat. Since he was cursed to be grayish stone, he liked to look colorful when he could.

The Magick Mall was as colorful as the shops on either side of the stone road with fragrant spices scenting the air that even drifted from one color to the other like a never-ending rainbow.

Horace rubbed his horns in thought as he traveled down the main road of Dragon Lane that forked at the end with a 100-foot fiery fountain. What else do you expect from a road named Dragon Lane?

"Stasi gets wyrm weave silk shawl, Blair, one of those funky pieces of jewelry from Fastan's Jewelers," he muttered, pausing every so often to look inside a shop window. The warm yeasty scent of zerxe bread drifted out of the bakery and reminded him he hadn't eaten since he came to the magickal plain that offered every item known to wizard, witch and sorcerers the world over. "Guess Jazz wouldn't appreciate thong underwear. Come to think of it, Nick might. Nah, he'd just try to strangle me with it."

The Magick Mall was one of the few places Horace could visit and not worry about being stared at. Gargoyles that walked and talked were plentiful here along with every creature known to man and many they'd never seen nor would they if the creatures had their way about it.

"Hey, baby, so what do you look like without all the robes?" He grinned at a shapely witch who passed by him. As one who appreciated the female form, even more so when he hung out in one of the dressing rooms in Stasi's lingerie boutique, he never let a good looking female pass him by without offering up an opinion. He left the less than good looking ones alone after one crone turned covered him with a nasty smelling slime that he couldn't get off for a good month.

She cast him a glare, and luckily didn't cast anything else.

"Treats for Bogie," he continued reading his list. "Polish for Felix," he named Blair's retro Kit-Kat clock that not only kept excellent time, but enjoyed offering an opinion whether it was wanted or not. "Bunny slipper shampoo for Fluff and Puff. At least I don't have to shop for Irma and Sirius." He stopped and studied a shop sign that read they had the latest gadgets for the recently deceased. "The old lady isn't even close to recently deceased."

Since Horace hadn't been to the Magick Mall for some months, he was determined to enjoy his day before he got down to serious shopping. Plus, there were a lot of new shops and items that tempted him to investigate.

"I'll get their gifts," he vowed, ducking into the bakery for a thick slice of bread warm out of the oven and a tankard of ale.

And after that, Horace found himself in a gaming hall, betting on which crimson midnight roach would reach the finish line first and having a bit of slap and tickle with a sexy female gargoyle.

Before he knew it the day was almost over and he still hadn't picked any gifts and his sack of gold was a lot lighter.

"Oh man." He ducked down another road and peered in shop windows, looking at those that advertised major sales.

It wasn't until he reached the last shop that a brightly colored window display caught his eye.

"Perfect!" He ran inside before anyone else saw it.


*****

"Wait 'til you see what I found!" Horace announced, dragging a heavy canvas sack behind him.

"What have you been doing?" Stasi asked, hurrying to help him but he waved her off.

"Don't tell me. You went to the Magick Mall," Blair said.

"I got you and Blair the perfect gift. You can share it between your shops." He carefully set the bag upright then lifted it off with a flourish. "Ta da!"

Silence reigned in the shop as Stasi and Blair stared at Horace's find.

"Is that what I think it is?" Blair asked in a low voice.

"Only if you're thinking what I'm thinking," Stasi squeaked. "Horace, why did you buy this?"

"What do you mean? What's wrong with it? How cool is it? A pretty statue that's tall and sort of undulating but with that double base." He beamed with pride.

"It's a penis!" Blair clapped her hands over her mouth.

"We can't have a six foot high penis on display here," Stasi pointed out, sounding as choked as Blair.

"It's not a –" Horace moved backward to get a better look. "Oh wow, it is." He ignored the two witches who made gurgling sounds. "And here I was told it was a modern version of a baby dragon. Maybe they used a baby dragon penis as an example."

He turned around and found Stasi and Blair hunched over and holding back shocked laughter.

"So you're serious? We can't use it in one of the display windows? Maybe if we put a Santa hat on it?" He suggested then backed away. “Uh, so that’s a no?”

Holiday Magick

"It's listing to the right."

            "It's straight."

            "You call that straight? I called it old man crooked." Jazz shot Krebs a look that said 'fix it or else!'

            Her housemate blew out an exasperated breath as he stepped back a few paces and studied the tree. She was right. It was leaning a little too far to the right.

            "I'll have to secure the damn thing to the wall," he muttered. "You had to have a ten-foot tree, didn't you?"

            "The room cries out for a large tree." She held her arms out to encompass the huge living room that was bright with twinkle lights threaded through green garlands decorated with red velvet bows. Holiday music played in the background.

            Krebs grunted as he struggled with the heavy tree. He shot a glare toward the man lounging on the couch. "You could help, you know. Vampire strength. Pick the tree up as if it was a toothpick and all that."

            "This is your tradition, not mine." Nick grinned. "Besides, I'm enjoying the show you and Jazz are giving me as you argue about decorations and a tall tree." But he took pity on the human and went over to help steady the tree. "Perhaps someone will add her magick to the tree." He lifted an eyebrow at Jazz.

            "What would you guys do without me?" She held her hands out. "Getting close to the date. Want the tree to be long. So stand up straight and stand up strong. Because I said so, damn it!" To go with the holiday spirit her magick left her fingertips in red and green sparkles, traveling to the tree and wrapping it in power. The tree immediately stopped listing to the right. "And no holes in the wall," she told Krebs.

            "That works for me. Think you can do the lights too?"

            "Putting lights up is guy work! I put up the ornaments and icicles." She held up a silvery strand of tinsel.

            Krebs gritted his teeth as Jazz directed the placement of the strands of lights. "I thought this was guy work."

            "It is, but you still need to know where they go." She handed him the star tree topper.

            "What did you do before you had me to boss around?" Krebs asked.

            "I had a three-foot tabletop tree, but this is so much better." Jazz sorted through the ornaments until she found the one she wanted and carefully placed it on a branch.

            Fluff and Puff slid into the room, chattering away to themselves. They headed for the red basket filled with candy canes and grabbed one, growling and snapping at each other as they fought over the peppermint treat until it broke in half. Each retreated to an opposite corner to enjoy their booty while keeping an eye on the other to make sure it wasn't taken away from them.

            "No, the angel has to go up there." Jazz pointed up and up and up.

            Krebs sighed. "I'll get the ladder."

            "I can take care of that." Nick levitated to the branch Jazz indicated and carefully hung the ornament.

            Between Jazz's direction, Krebs and Nick doing her bidding the tree was decorated from top to bottom.

            "Any reason why you couldn't do the witchy thing and just send the ornaments onto the tree?" Krebs asked.

            "Sure, but it's not as much fun as making sure they're where they belong. I do great work." She beamed as she studied the tree.

            Nick and Krebs exchanged a look. "Who does great work?" They asked in unison.

            "I was the brains, you were the brawn." She waved off their words. "It's a beautiful tree."

            With the drapes open, the tree was perfectly framed in the huge bay window that faced the street. With icicle lights decorating the house, twinkle lights blanketing the shrubs and lighted lollipops and candy canes along the cement walkway, the house was a holiday confection.

            "Let's go outside and see the full effect!" Jazz grabbed the men by the hand and pulled them outside. They stood on the sidewalk to admire the final effect.

            "Even prettier than last year," she pronounced.

            "I have to admit you do good work." Krebs hugged her.

            "Jazz has always loved the holidays," Nick said.

            "Especially presents." She looked from one to the other.

            "You know the rules. We wait until the morning of December 25 and not one minute sooner. It's cold out here. I'll make Irish coffee," he offered, heading for the front door. "You can drink that, right, Nick?"

            "Thankfully, I can." He slipped an arm around Jazz's waist as they walked up the walkway.

            "Gross!" Krebs stared at Fluff, or maybe it was Puff. "They ate peppermint and that came out of them?"

Jazz held her nose as she waved her hand through the noxious air that grew worse by the minute. "I should have remembered that peppermint doesn't agree with them."

"I guess we'll be drinking our Irish coffee in the kitchen." Krebs led the way toward the back of the house. “Hey witchy roomie, can you conjure up some gas masks?”

Fluff and Puff Take On Black Friday

“Why couldn’t we stay home?” Puff whined from his spot in Jazz’s Marc Jacobs pink leather tote, as she wove her way through the hordes of people that pushed around Jazz.

“Because you might come in handy.” Jazz had the grim determination you only saw one day a year. The day after Thanksgiving when serious shoppers came out to do their holiday shopping. She was there armed with credit cards, ready to do what it took to get all her shopping out of the way.

Fluff’s ears curved over the top of the bag, then his eyes peeped over, widening at the mob around them. “I’m going back to the car.”

Jazz tightened her hold on the bag. “No, you’re not.” She pushed her way into Nordstrom on the quest for the perfect gifts. It wasn’t long before she found a leather jacket for Nick, an even cuter leather jacket for herself, sweaters for Stasi and Blair, a wrap for Thea and she was still going strong.

“I want a pretzel,” Puff demanded.

“Later.” Jazz’s gaze narrowed as she spied a plum silk top across the store. She made her way there, but someone else saw the top too and there was only the one. “Create a diversion. Trip her,” she muttered, unceremoniously dumping them out of her bag.

“Pretzel,” Puff reminded her.

“Yeah, yeah.” But her mind was on the prize. The slippers growled their way among the shoppers, who tended to stay out of their way, yet not one screamed or fainted as their magick protected them.

Jazz remained behind them, watching the woman destined to lose the top, because IT WAS HERS. She started to throw out a freeze spell, but she made a promise not to use magick when shopping. Sigh! She quickened her steps and practically slid across the floor reaching out for the top the same time as the other woman.

“I believe this is mine,” the woman said frostily, practically jerking Jazz off her feet as she pulled on the hanger.

“I was here first.” Jazz was happy to see that Fluff and Puff were on either side of her new enemy. She wanted this top, damn it!

Just then the woman yelped and released the hanger.

Puff slid back, looking proud of himself. “Now I get my pretzel.”

“After I finish my shopping.” Jazz glared at the woman who looked ready to pitch into her. “Not getting this top isn’t the end of the world,” she told her before she walked off.

“Pretzel!” Puff raised his voice.

“You promised!” Fluff added his two cents.

“Give it a rest. I said I’ll get you guys pretzels after I finish here. Oooh, pretty!” She squeaked to a stop by a large rack of silk dresses.

Fluff and Puff didn’t say another word, but sulked big time as Jazz finished her shopping in the store and added more large shopping bags to her arms.

As she exited the store, alarms went off big time.

“What the –“ Jazz looked around to see who’d set off the security alarm when a hulkish type man wearing a khaki uniform came up to her.

“If you’ll come with me, ma’am,” he said quietly, taking her arm in a hold that said to come with him or else.

“What’s the problem?” She so wanted to zap him good, but she knew it wouldn’t be a good idea.

“We believe you have items you haven’t paid for.” He steered her toward the offices.

“Oh believe me, I paid for everything and have the receipts and depleted charge card to show for it.” If she wasn’t on probation with the Witches Council, she would have used a spell to get out of there without any fuss, but she knew the man was wrong and there was nothing she loved more than showing a man he was wrong. “So what exactly didn’t I pay for?”

Once in the office, she set her shopping bags down and looked the part of a disgruntled shopper. After all, she had more sales to plunder! More gifts to buy! And there was that gorgeous dress she saw in the paper that she knew would be perfect on her.

The security officer reached into one bag and pulled out two fluffy items.

Jazz stared at Fluff and Puff and laughed. “Are you kidding me? They’re mine. I brought them with me for when my feet get tired.” She gestured with her stiletto boots.

“Sure, lady. We all don’t believe in taking the price tags off our own items.” He dropped them on the desk, where, damn them, they didn’t move an inch and acted as if they were literal footwear, and picked up a phone. “And we have zero tolerance against shoplifters here.”

Jazz picked them up, gasped at the fifty-dollar price tag and glared at them hard enough to cause steam to come out of her ears. “You little shits,” she gritted. “You reveal yourselves now.” Nothing.

The guard shook his head and picked up the phone.

Ten minutes later, Jazz was escorted out of the office by a police officer. When she glanced over her shoulder at the slippers still lying on the desk, she saw Puff slowly close one eye in a wink and mouth the word pretzel.

So a word of warning.

If you’re at the mall and see bunny slippers, have a pretzel ready. They prefer the cinnamon sugar ones.