Sunday, October 15, 2017

This blog is dedicated to my sister of my heart, Mary Anne Wilson who believed the movie cough among other crazy stunts were necessary to keep talkers away from us. 

It pays to be devious. Only witches could accomplish it better. 




                                          A Hexy Night at the Movies

“Did you get my Red Vines?” Jazz led the way into the semi dark theater with Blair behind her and Nick and Jake behind the witches.
“Yes.” Nick handled his load with remarkable ease.
“Peanut M&Ms?” She snuck a few buttered popcorn kernels into her mouth then a sip of her large cherry vanilla flavored Diet Coke.
“Of course.”
“Red Hots for my popcorn and Milk Duds?”
“Yes.” The word was snapped out. “Jazz, I’m pretty sure I maxed out my Visa for your snacks. After all these centuries I don’t know where you put all the food you eat.”
“Don’t. Ask.” Jake warned Blair as he balanced his own heavy load of snacks.
“I hope you remembered my Junior Mints.” Blair tried to look through the stack for her chocolatey treats, but he used a momentary free hand to slap her hands.
“You can wait until we’re seated.”
The two witches climbed up to the top of the theater and staked out four seats.
“How did you get advance showing tickets to the hottest movie this summer?” Blair asked Jazz.
“Executive producer client, ex-partner casting mega curse that I unraveled and saved him millions of dollars. He also gave me a $1000 gift card as a tip,” she confided as she poured the Red Hots candies into her popcorn. “This witch will be doing some shopping this week.”
“Remind me again why we came with them?” Jake asked Nick.
        “Like she said. Hottest movie ever with even hotter lead actress.” Nick sighed. “I really need to upgrade my clientele. I rarely get a thank you, much less a gift card”
        “Duuude! How awesome is this?” Four twentysomethings bounced into the theater and took over the front row with a couple seats between them and began tossing popcorn at each other.
        Jazz glared at the noisy foursome.
        “Not again.” Nick grimaced as he noticed her twitching eyelid. “Don’t even think about it, Jazz,” he warned her. “We’re banned from enough theaters now.”
        “Seriously? They’re going to talk on their phones the whole time?” Blair grumbled.
        “Even worse,” Jazz warned, staring down the stairs as a man who was easily 7’ tall lumbered up the stairs. “Stay in the middle,” she murmured. “No, sit right there. Okay, that row would work for you. Noooo!” she moaned as the man settled in the seat in front of her giving her a close up view of his dandruff problem.
        Jake shared a look with Nick. “What makes me think this won’t be pretty?”
        “Because it won’t times a million.”
        Jazz’s nose twitched, but she wasn’t that witch so no magick erupted. Instead, she covered her mouth and leaned forward coughing with a wet rasp.
        Jake’s horror reflected in his voice. “You’re going to cough up a lung!”
        Jazz only coughed harder.
        The man in front of her looked over his shoulder with a glare that matched hers.
        “You can forget trying to hack up a lung, bitch. I’ve had my shots.” He started to turn back around then froze at the red glowing vampire eyes and a Were Border Collie snarl.
        “You. Need. To. Move.” Nick’s voice was a deadly calm that warned something Very Bad was coming.
        The man stumbled to his feet and left his seat leaving his popcorn and drink behind. “You four are crazy,” he muttered, moving to the opposite side of the theater.
        “My hero,” Jazz cooed, resting her palm against Nick’s cheek and kissing him.
        “Love the snarl,” Blair purred, doing the same with Jake. “Do it again later and I’ll purr even more for you.”
        “Grr.” He playfully snapped his teeth at her.
        “All the reviews for this movie say it’s the action film of the decade,” a young woman told her date as the couple entered the theater. “I can’t wait to see the scenes you said you were in.”
        Her high pitched voice that could shatter glass went on to detail the history of the main actors and why they’re perfect for the movie then on to their love lives. It was clear her date was more focused on her abundant charms flowing over her skintight low cut top.
        “I don’t think she’s taken a breath once,” Blair muttered.
It wasn’t long before the witches directed their glares on her.
        “Oh no,” Nick groaned, planting his hand against his face.
        “Bad?” Jake asked.
        “Grauman’s Chinese Theatre all over again.” The vampire slid down in his seat.
        “Not even close, baby.” Jazz patted his hand without taking her eyes off the non-stopping talker.
        “Was that the time --?”
        “No, this was about two years ago,” Jazz told Blair. “The time you’re thinking of was in New York City in 1962.”
        Jake’s head swiveled between the two witches. “This is normal for you?”
        “If that’s how you want to call it.” Nick pulled a Red Vine out of its box and practically jammed it in Jazz’s mouth. She grabbed the red licorice and bit down hard.
        “They’ll probably quiet down when the movie begins.” Jake tried the let’s look on the bright side suggestion.
        “There will be quiet one way or another,” Jazz said brightly, picking up a handful of Red Hots cinnamon candy dotted popcorn and nibbling away.
        “You weren’t like this way when we saw the last Star Trek,” Jake said to Blair.
        She smiled. “That’s because we had a quiet theater.”
        Nick mouthed told you behind the witches’ backs.
        There was no denying the anticipation for the upcoming thriller as the lights dimmed and movie trailers began.
        That’s when Nick and Jake’s tension grew.
        “Oh my God! Look what’s coming out next month! Sweetie, we have to see it!” The high pitched voice could have cut glass. A moment later. “Oh no, I’m sorry, but I don’t see anything with blood. I have a horrible phobia about blood. I cut my finger once and fainted when it started bleeding. The EMT that came refused to see how serious it was.”
        “I wonder what she’d say if she knew there was a vampire here who just loves blood,” Jazz whispered.
        “Probably ask if I know Edward from Twilight without even thinking about the blood part,” Nick muttered.
        Jake snickered.
        “You’ll always be my vampire honey bunny,” Jazz cooed, resting her head on Nick’s shoulder.
        “Duude! Look at her boobs!” One twentysomething hooted. “Talk about more than a handful. I could totally do that bitch. Am I right?” He high fived one of his equally brainless buddies.
        “Yeah, that’s more than enough,” Jazz decided.
        “The opening credits have barely began,” Nick said.
        “You heard the lady. That’s more than enough,” Blair agreed.
        Nick leaned his head back catching Jake’s attention. With vampire and Were Border Collie not needing light to see each other, Jake had no trouble reading Nick’s lips. And now it begins.

“Best movie ever!” Blair enthused as they descended the stairs to the theater exit. “Talk about mega driving skills without using magik.”
“I loved it when they drove through the mall at 100 miles an hour,” Jazz chimed in. “Too bad they crashed the Lamborghini.”
“Too bad that beautiful fountain was taken out.”
“What do you think?” Jazz looked at Nick.
“Excellent film. All the action and chaos we enjoy.”
“Uh, ma’am.” A theater employee pushing a trash barrel looked first at the exiting foursome then the rest of the theater. “What happened?” He dared to ask.
The two witches looked over their shoulders at the rest of the audience peacefully snoozing in their seats.
“I can’t believe they slept through the film,” Blair said with wide-eyed innocence.
“Tell me about it,” Jazz said. “There was absolutely nothing boring about the movie.” She tsked. “I loved it,” with Blair’s approval of her statement.
Nick and Jake followed the chattering females out of the theater.
“Maybe we go to a concert next time?” Jake suggested. “It’s expected to be noisy.”
“Google strange happenings at Woodstock,Nick advised. “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.”
“How long will they sleep?” Jake asked Jazz and Blair once they were outside.
“Not long. Maybe ten or fifteen minutes.” Blair wasn’t concerned.
“We did add that don’t talk during the movie amendment to the spell,” Jazz brought up. “So probably a half hour. What do you say we stop somewhere for a snack? I could really go for a good bacon cheeseburger.”
“Sounds good to me.” Blair grabbed Jake’s hand and steered him toward the car. “How about that 50s style diner we went to the last time Stasi and I were here? Or are you banned from there?”
“Not yet.” Nick pulled Jazz toward his car.
“I heard the whole audience was asleep in one of the theaters,” a woman exclaimed to the man with her as they walked past. “Do you think it was a gas leak or something?”

Moral to the story. It’s not advisable to talk during the movie in case there’s a witch there who might zap you with a Sleeping Beauty spell.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

A Hexy Thanksgiving

“I don’t know if six turkeys will be enough for all of us. There will be a total of eleven of us with Maggie, Declan, Courtney, Lili and Jared,” Blair said, surveying the kitchen counters covered with roasting pans, mixing bowls, and various pots and pans on the stove. “Trust me, Jake eats a lot. One turkey alone is like an appetizer for him. He’s been banned from every all you can eat buffets in five counties.”

“Excuse me! Hungry gargoyle here who’s also helping.” Horace held up his free claw while the other one made a handy dandy nutcracker for the walnuts he was put to work cracking open.

“And you demolishing the desert table doesn’t have something to do with that? The turkeys are twenty-six pounds apiece. We’ll be fine.” Stasi covered the sweet potatoes with marshmallows and popped them into the hot oven so they could brown.

“You did use cream and real butter in the mashed potatoes, didn’t you?” Irma wandered in with Phineas, her equally ghostly beau, in tow. “It’s what gives them the proper taste. All of that low fat and no fat nonsense will give you the right flavor.”

“It’s a good thing we all have metabolisms that can handle the extra calories and cholesterol.” Blair set the rolls on a cookie sheet to go into the second oven.

“Come on, baby. All you have to do is try it,” Jazz coaxed, leading Nick by the hand into the kitchen. “It’s not that bad.”

“How would you know? Have you tasted it?” The tall vampire followed her with a wary look on his face.

“You can’t give him that!” Blair and Stasi protested, aware what their witchy friend had in mind.

“But this will let Nick feel like he’s a part of the dinner,” Jazz argued.

“A glass of wine is just fine with me.” He started to back out of the estrogen-filled room, but thanks to magick increasing Jazz’s strength, his witch’s firm hold on his wrist wasn’t letting him escape. She used her other hand to pull a container out of the refrigerator.

“I’ve read books where they do additions like this. So why not this?” She dumped the contents in the blender and fired it up. She poured a little bit of the thick mixture into a glass and offered it to Nick who reared back as if she held a ball of fire. “It’s like an iron rich smoothie,” she assured him.

“That smells terrible! What’s in it?”

Jazz looked into the glass but seemed to hold her breath. “Pureed turkey and cow’s blood.”

That was what you put in our refrigerator?” Stasi cried. “Jazz!”

“It’s not like I put bits of an entire dinner in there.” She held the glass toward Nick who kept backing away with his hands up.

“Wine only.”

Moss green eyes shot sparks in his direction. “Nikolai Gregorivich I made this for you and you will drink it!”

That was when Nick disappeared in the wink of an eye.

“I cooked for you!” Jazz shouted.

May all of you have a fantastic Thanksgiving day.